TOP TEN: Shittiest CDs I Still Own


You might call this the antidote to Sam’s love letter to vinyl. I see this as my confessional. My bearing of my darkest secrets to the Bastards. An exposé not only of a now maligned an unfashionable format but also many dust-covered years of regret and shame. I only hope you can forgive me. If not, I’ll take your pity laughter.

  1. Razorlight – Up All Night


I knew they were naff. I knew that the most remarkable thing about Johnny Borrell was his joint ability to be both a twat and a gobshite. I can only blame drinking too much and accidentally enjoying ‘Golden Touch’ on a night out in 2004 for the temporary loss of my more discerning self.

  1. Razorlight – Razorlight


See above, but for longer. Just look at the line up of twattery on the cover.

  1. Jimmy Eat World – Bleed American


I can safely say I’ve not listened to this since I was 17. That’s nearly half my lifetime ago. I was clearly lacking any sort of urban edge at that age.

  1. The Darkness – Permission to Land


We knew they were ridiculous. They knew they were ridiculous. A joke that got way too out of hand and ended up as an actual band with actual albums. Like asbestos, it seemed like a good idea at the time. My defence…they were entertaining?

  1. Train – Drops of Jupiter


Bought presumably because of the exciting label which notes that the album “includes the massive US hit single Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)”. This must have been released just the wrong side of Napster. I’d exchange that malware now for the chance to simply hit ‘delete’ on the massive US hit single rather than still be burdened with a transparent plastic box containing this. It’s also upside down.

  1. Will Smith – Big Willie Style


I enjoyed The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I enjoyed Men In Black. This was the next logical step. All together now “na-na na-na nanana, na-na na-na nana, gettin jiggy wid it”.

  1. Hard-Fi – Stars of CCTV


Another relic from the Razorlight era, I can’t say I even remember how any of the singles go. My sole comfort is knowing that the Q Magazine writer who proclaimed Hard-Fi to be “the next major British band” can only regret this more than I.

  1. Weezer – Make Believe


The Teal Album must be the funnest thing I’ve heard in 2019 and long before this Weezer made two of my all-time favourite albums. This purchase was a harsh lesson in loyalty however. It is, as they say in my adopted home, bobbins.

  1. Marillion – The Thieving Magpie


A gift for my birthday from a dilapidated shopping centre bereft of quality shops. The local second hand record store, and Greggs, being the possible exceptions. I am yet to listen to it. Comes with free poster.

  1. Eddie Stobart Trucking Songs


Part two of the same gift. It was like the Fathers’ Day I never dreamed of. With everything from The Calling to Judas Priest across its generous 3CD package, it has something for truckers and other lonely middle aged men, everywhere.

Words by James Spearing

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